I never knew.......

So I'm up this morning and my mind is just wandering and looking back at poignant moments in my life. My first year at UTA. The first conversation I had with Tory. The first time I saw him in person. The moment I knew he was a gift from God and that I was going to marry him. The day I married him. The day found out I was pregnant and how I finally mustered up enough courage to tell him. The day we lost our baby and got an angel watching over us. I've been angry at him for the longest time but for some reason, this morning I miss him.

Back to 1 again .

Well let's see, I lost my job because some stupid wench claimed that I grabbed her and dug my nails into her arm. The strange part is how no one could five me concrete evidence other than what she said. Oh yeah and I'm also a  lecher because I'm looking at her behind and sizing it up with my hand. If anyone knows me they'll tell you that people's bodies are not something I really five a dn about. All in all, it's another one of those she said it so it's true. The truth is the new manager is a piece of work in so many ways. He's made it a point to get rid of anyone who makes too much money for the work they do. Anyway all the ones who have brought me back to start all over again will reap what's theirs in due time. My poor husband has to once again bear all the burden as I star from the scratch again. Sometimes I ask myself I'd I did something so wrong that God's punishing me but I know that's not the case. I'm waiting to see what's next because honestly I'm just tired of everything.

Oh well

Today I woke up sort of looking forward to a relaxing day but as usual I'm going to be locked up in these walls again. People in prison get a change of scene. I wish I could just close.my eyes and just make it all go away. I'm tempted to take the other keys and just take off. Life is just boring now. All I do is go to work and come home. I can't  do anything fun without permission. I'm a 36 year old woman who has  no life. Someone put me out of this miserable existence. I think I'd rather be unhappy in some place where everyone is too.

Indestructible women

Sometimes a person goes through so much and those around marvel at the ability to survive. People who've watched me go through one thing after the other and yet I keep going. The answer is very simple: God's grace. This year alone has been a rather unique one. Sometimes I ask myself why do I keep looking forward or everyday ? The answer is very simple. I was made to be indestructible. I play hard; live hard. I laugh loud and cry genuinely. I start to give and never know when to stop. I care too much, beyond what I'm supposed to do. My mother is proof that indestructible women have existed forever and the knee thing they have in common is God's  grace.

I feel like.....

The last couple of days have been tough  and rough.  I have this feeling of resentment towards a lot of things.  The worst part is that just about everyone I know is pregnant or about to deliver . I know I shouldn't be upset but it just pisses me off. There are babies everywhere and I find them so cute and adorable . I'm just afraid to touch them because I don't want them to die in my hands.  I'm looking forward to someday holding a little one in my arms.

It is well

So the new challenge in my life is understanding and accepting this loss
Our pregnancy became a miscarriage.  Dear God it hurts so bad I can feel it in my soul. The deepest part of me is disintegrated into pieces that can't be put together right now.  The tears keep coming even when I'm smiling. I watch Glenn trying to be strong for me but I know he's going through that pain. I know God's going to give us our baby angel I due time. For now I just need to mourn and let my souend.

A whole new world

Things are starting to feel more real as the day progresses. When I found out about Jr I thought it was a dream. I finally mustered up enough courage to let the e rest of the family into it. I'm looking forward to this new aspect of our lives that Glenn and I are about to embark on. I'm still afraid of a lot of things but as always, God's not going to bring us this far to abandon us. We can do this and come out with flying colors.

Ask and you shall receive!!

Well all I have to say is thank you God for your many blessings; the ones from the past, the present and the ones to come in the future. 2 weeks ago we found out that we were pregnant. The very thing that we have been praying for is coming true. I don't know if it's natural, but I am a little bit scared. I look at the way our life is, in every aspect, and I ask myself if we are going to be able to take care of this new addition? My husband reminds me that God will not bring us this far to abandon us. I always tell him he has no faith but I know the man does. In his own unique way God has been his guide through it all. I cannot wait for this new gift. We may not be able to give this child everything we view as the standard of living a great life but I know our love will be endless. God will give us any and everything we ask for in accordance with his will. One thing I have learned through the years is to never ask for something based on what others have but on what you need. 

Free at last ! !!!! :-) ♡

Well I survived this one.  For the last 3 days I've been wearing a stupid ambulatory eeg so my brain can be monitored.  It has been down right ridiculous.  I can't eat without having it recorded.  I have to be  videotaped several times. The kicker is that I can't sleep in my usual jammies because of the camera.  Well it's all ending today. My face is messed up with a reaction to the sticky stuff they used and my eye is swollen. My scalp itches like hell. I'm going yo eat till I'm satisfied.

Watching the moon

So last night we thought it would be fun  to go out in the cold weather to watch this red moon phenomenon.  Let's just say we were the childish grown ups hugging our jackets out there.  Funny? Of course.  Crazy and downright ridiculous?  Absolutely!  When was the last time you threw caution to the wind and did something silly? Try it and see.  On a serious note, we've been praying for a blessing. We want children. We want at least one because that's one of the beautiful things God brought a man and a woman together to create. We know it will happen in every way possible.  I have faith that we can make them. 

Dear God............

I keep a journal that I refer to as my DEAR GOD journal. I pray but I also keep the journal because sometimes I just want to write a letter to God. Lately life has been looking up. I have had moments that I just crash and cry like a baby. On my last visit to the neurologist, I was officially cleared and declared able to proceed with life as normal as can be. Oh I wanted to let the doctor know that I had been free of this disease when I asked God to strengthen my faith on this journey. My husband and I are looking forward to having children but there is this gnawing fear in the corner. I know God is there with us through it all. I know that "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME".

THE BEST PART OF MY DAY IS............

You know how there is always one thing that makes the day seem perfect and it's always the smallest thing? My favorite part of the day is when we are both lounging on the couch and just talking about things that happened throughout the day. I look forward to those moments because it brings back the times before we started dating. I used to spend hours on the phone listening to his day at work. I am so glad that Glenn has finally realized how much the little things bring perfection to a day no matter how crazy it has been. I love looking at him and listening to him. As one can tell, I am hopelessly lost in this man and thankful for every second of it. I love my baby and there's nothing to it.

THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well yesterday we went for a follow up with the neurologist after my MRI. It was great news to find out it was nothing major. Apparently a tiny part of my right brain did not develop fully and it's now starting to cause minor problem. My options, correction, our options to control the missfiring nerves are really through medication and me making some changes in the way i view the world. The ultimate and severe solution is surgery but I know God is not going to let this get to that point. In fact He has been our guide and healer to the point that I am actually aware of the onset and ability to control it. I am just so elated as I watched the look on my husband and my mother's (clarabelle50@Gmail.com) face. The best part is that there is nothing wrong with starting a family. I don't know what other words I can use to describe the feeling I am going through and the sigh of relief I can hear the people around me breathing. All we can say is THANK YOU GOD FOR ALL THE ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!

With God..............I can do it all!!!

I know it's been a long time but I am glad to say God has brought us through it all. My lovely husband, my gift form God, has been by my side as I climbed the mountains I faced and the valleys I've forged through. I've been able to see a neurologist and gotten a perspective of where I am going with what's happening to me. I watched the relief on Glenn's face as we were sitting in the office. I also saw the brimming tears that he tried to hide from me. I know they were a sign if pure joy because God had answered our prayers, as always. Now we can move ahead with fulfilling more dreams and embarking on more adventures. We cannot wait!!!! 

God is REAL!!!

It has been a long, long, time and this quest for understanding what it happening to me looks like it's finally coming to an end. For the last six or seven years, depending on who you ask, I feel like I've been living with a dirty secret. I became aware of my seizures after my father's death. Everyone, including me and my family, attributed it to the stress of this event. Then it became the fact that I was missing him and refusing to 'let him go', so to speak. It has cost me jobs and dreams. I love to teach and my favorite age group is pre-k to fourth grade. I love sitting on the floor and teaching through play and just seeing the light of understanding in their eyes. I got my first teaching job while I was doing my internship at Brookhaven College. They hired me in the middle of my class and I ended up working there for two years. After graduation I got another job at Kids R Kids but was 'let go' because I supposedly did not 'fit in' with the other teachers. I knew it was simply because of the seizure I had in the classroom and now could not be left alone with the kids. That nearly destroyed my spirit and determination. I applied for another position at Primrose School and got it. Once again the seizure reared it's ugly head, not once but twice. The second time was outside in front of all the parents waiting to pick up their children. I was immediately informed that I wasn't safe for the children. I had thoughts of just curling up and letting the worst happen to me because I was officially a failure. Through it all God, my family, my indestructible mother and my husband, a gift from God, stood by me and urged me to go on. I was unemployed for three months before I started working at Lowe's and have been there for a year. I don't know what to say except that GOD IS REAL!!!!!! I don't care what people say or think it is true. I've had three seizures in the last two months alone and am still working there. On Thursday August 30th I have an appointment so see a neurologist. I cannot explain the relief for both me and my army of people. We will finally know what is causing all these problems and my husband and I will start on a whole new project. All I can ask for is more prayer because I know it works. It has till now and it will continue to work in spite of everything.

I AM THANKFUL FOR.......

Wow, it's been a while. A lot of things have happened but one thing has been constant: God is still God and I am happy. This month has been a test of my faith and everything that comes with it. I had a slight episode at work and people thought I was just being my silly self. I need to learn to take care of myself first in order to be able to take care of others. I have a habit of not knowing when to say 'no'. I am an overachiever in every sense of the word. This morning a loud noise woke me up and before I knew it I was running down the stairs to take care of a neighbor whose car had flown over the embankment and ran into another apartment. The things that have to happen to make people call on God is just sad. She was worried about how much things were going to cost.

• I am thankful that no one was hurt. 
• I am thankful for the way this week ended
• I am thankful that I still have a job to go to 
• I am thankful that I have so many people watching to make sure that I am alright
• I am thankful for still being in love with my husband
• I am thankful that I can still laugh in the midst of all the insanity

My favorite song is THE PRAYER and I have a collection of several artists singing it. It's even amazing when you stop and listen to the words. It's about our everyday goings and comings and how we should simply just ask God to direct us. There is no need for a formatted prayer, just talk to Him as if He were sitting right next to you on a park bench.

 Lyrics to The Prayer :
I pray you'll be our eyes,
and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise,
in times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer,
when we lose our way
Lead us to the place,
guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe.
La luce che tu dai
I pray we'll find your light
Nel cuore resterà
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarci che
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c'è
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace

Give us faith so we'll be safe 

 Sognamo un mondo senza più violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternità

La forza che ci dia
We ask that life be kind
È il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amor
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a sè
Another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child

Need to find a place,
guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salverà

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!

So, it finally happened. I am another year older and I don't even know what to say except that this is the happiest I have been in a long time. I was sitting around taking a good look at where I've come from and where I am now. Let's see I have lived through traveling around with my family and the ultimate pleasure of coming in contact with some of the most amazing people. I have lived through tragedy and fear. I have also lived through failure and barely escaping death, not once but five times. No one gets that many chances. Through it all there has been a constant hand guiding me, GOD!!!!!!!!!! Need I say more? I have also accomplished one of the most amazing things in my life. I fell in love with the perfect man. I cannot ask for anything more. All I can say is THANK YOU GOD FOR EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!

The Things You Miss........

This past weekend we went to my brother's graduation in Houston, TX. I was so proud as I watched the little boy who used to eat his lunch before he made it to school walk on the stage among his peers to graduate with a JD. I also watched the look on my mother's face and I could see how proud she was and hear her take that great, big, breathe. My mother is one amazing woman who has been our rock through everything we three have lived through. I look at her and it's a constant reminder of who I can be. This woman has lived through a lot and yet the people who see her think otherwise. I sometimes watch the way my husband is quick to get near her. When we go to the grocery store, the question on his mind is "does your Mom like this?". If I am in a room with them, it's almost as if I have melted into thin air. When he sees my nephew, the world ceases to exist. This Man is teaching me to be the best Wife that my Mother taught me to be.

I'M STILL LAUGHING!

Wow, it has been a long time since I have written anything. Let's see, a lot has taken place but the best part of it is I'm still laughing. I am still learning how to be 'a good wife'. I have learned that the key is patience and never going to bed upset. So I have decided to throw in a little "domestic" training to see how things will go. I started with the dishwasher and I quickly discovered that I have to post a not stating when it's time to put the clean dishes away in order to free the dishwasher. I then moved to making meals when I'm at work and he's at home. The first time I took before and after pictures of the kitchen (but I should have taken before and after pictures of my face). The food turned out amazing but I had to pray for my kitchen. I decided to make things easy and leave a list of what the main meal should consist of in-terms of what protein to use and gave him the opportunity to come up with the sides. I am just not brave enough to add the laundry to the list yet, but I am sure one of these days I'll be able to do so. Through it all though, we have been laughing at how funny it is to see the way I am having to let go of doing everything my way and letting him have a role in "taking care of" our home. I love the look in his eyes when I tell him I have some projects for him to do. I can never wait to see the end results every time. I know I'm spoiled rotten by this man but God I love him. He makes my heart laugh even when he's trying to be difficult. I cannot wait for the next 100 years because I'm going to still be laughing.

THE GIFT OF LIFE.

Today is my husband, Tory Glenn 'Kwame' Bussey,s birthday. It's an amazing thing when one adds another year to their life and realize that God has brought them this far and is not going to leave them on the rest of the journey. Yesterday on the way home he started talking about all the things that have made him strong, the good and the bad. I watched the look on his face and realized this man is one of the most prized possession I have. Unlike some men who consider showing emotions 'unmanly', he has no problem showing how he feels. This is the man who cries at the movies when it calls for it. I am thankful to God for letting me be a part of one of his great creations. They don't make them like this anymore.