I never knew.......

So I'm up this morning and my mind is just wandering and looking back at poignant moments in my life. My first year at UTA. The first conversation I had with Tory. The first time I saw him in person. The moment I knew he was a gift from God and that I was going to marry him. The day I married him. The day found out I was pregnant and how I finally mustered up enough courage to tell him. The day we lost our baby and got an angel watching over us. I've been angry at him for the longest time but for some reason, this morning I miss him.

Back to 1 again .

Well let's see, I lost my job because some stupid wench claimed that I grabbed her and dug my nails into her arm. The strange part is how no one could five me concrete evidence other than what she said. Oh yeah and I'm also a  lecher because I'm looking at her behind and sizing it up with my hand. If anyone knows me they'll tell you that people's bodies are not something I really five a dn about. All in all, it's another one of those she said it so it's true. The truth is the new manager is a piece of work in so many ways. He's made it a point to get rid of anyone who makes too much money for the work they do. Anyway all the ones who have brought me back to start all over again will reap what's theirs in due time. My poor husband has to once again bear all the burden as I star from the scratch again. Sometimes I ask myself I'd I did something so wrong that God's punishing me but I know that's not the case. I'm waiting to see what's next because honestly I'm just tired of everything.

Oh well

Today I woke up sort of looking forward to a relaxing day but as usual I'm going to be locked up in these walls again. People in prison get a change of scene. I wish I could just close.my eyes and just make it all go away. I'm tempted to take the other keys and just take off. Life is just boring now. All I do is go to work and come home. I can't  do anything fun without permission. I'm a 36 year old woman who has  no life. Someone put me out of this miserable existence. I think I'd rather be unhappy in some place where everyone is too.

Indestructible women

Sometimes a person goes through so much and those around marvel at the ability to survive. People who've watched me go through one thing after the other and yet I keep going. The answer is very simple: God's grace. This year alone has been a rather unique one. Sometimes I ask myself why do I keep looking forward or everyday ? The answer is very simple. I was made to be indestructible. I play hard; live hard. I laugh loud and cry genuinely. I start to give and never know when to stop. I care too much, beyond what I'm supposed to do. My mother is proof that indestructible women have existed forever and the knee thing they have in common is God's  grace.

I feel like.....

The last couple of days have been tough  and rough.  I have this feeling of resentment towards a lot of things.  The worst part is that just about everyone I know is pregnant or about to deliver . I know I shouldn't be upset but it just pisses me off. There are babies everywhere and I find them so cute and adorable . I'm just afraid to touch them because I don't want them to die in my hands.  I'm looking forward to someday holding a little one in my arms.

It is well

So the new challenge in my life is understanding and accepting this loss
Our pregnancy became a miscarriage.  Dear God it hurts so bad I can feel it in my soul. The deepest part of me is disintegrated into pieces that can't be put together right now.  The tears keep coming even when I'm smiling. I watch Glenn trying to be strong for me but I know he's going through that pain. I know God's going to give us our baby angel I due time. For now I just need to mourn and let my souend.

A whole new world

Things are starting to feel more real as the day progresses. When I found out about Jr I thought it was a dream. I finally mustered up enough courage to let the e rest of the family into it. I'm looking forward to this new aspect of our lives that Glenn and I are about to embark on. I'm still afraid of a lot of things but as always, God's not going to bring us this far to abandon us. We can do this and come out with flying colors.